My problems look so small from up here. Maybe it takes 30,000 feet to get some perspective. Maybe it’s the comforting white noise of the engines. Maybe it’s seeing amber and red lights far below, moving as busy little ants in tidy lines.
Maybe it’s not any of those things at all. Maybe it’s the body of Christ and the prayers of so many family and friends at work.
That’s what I want to believe. That’s what I believe today more than I did yesterday, or maybe any other day in my life.
God’s world just seems so much more orderly up here. It just seems to make more sense. Only I know I can’t live up here in the clouds. I have to return to the valley of my despair to face my demons.
As much as I would rather live in the “fake world,” I know I have to return to the real world soon.
Tomorrow is a crossroads day for me. And by the grace of God, I don’t feel like I stand here waiting to get pummeled by a speeding train. I feel at peace.
Peace has been hard to come by for a long time. Mental illness does that to those who suffer from it. Depression is a liar, you see. And it is relentless, cunning and baffling. The black clouds come when they want to come, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to stop them.
Yet today, on the eve of my admission to a world-class clinic where I hope to get some answers, I feel peace and serenity.
I’m holding on to the serenity prayer…for the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can’t change and the wisdom to know the difference.
I’m holding on to the promise that God will never forsake me. He might allow me to suffer, but he will never leave me.
He might not remove this thorn from my side as I have prayed so many times before. I’m okay with that. I’d at least like to know what species the damn thorn is, though. Maybe I’ll find out in the days ahead.
For the sake of my family, my awesome wife and my beautiful children, I pray my peace won’t be fleeting this time.
Tonight I pray for healing, spiritual and physical.
If healing doesn’t come, I will rejoice in my suffering. I will remember the countless prayers, calls, texts and acts of kindness that have been shown to my family. They have taught me the power of love in the storm of my life.
Even though I know struggles will come again, I will rest easy this beautiful night.
I will rest easy because I know how this movie ends. Mental illness might wreck my mind.
It might spoil the good seasons of my life. It might even make my quite miserable again.
It might spoil the good seasons of my life. It might even make my quite miserable again.
Whether it’s now or in the end, I will win and this illness will lose.
And that is all that matters.
Jack,
ReplyDeletePlease know that my thoughts, hopes and prayers are with you right now. As I read this the tears stream down my face. In reading just your last 2 entries I feel like I have just read my autobiography. I have fought this dreaded disease along with severe anxiety issues for the last 10 (or so) years. You very eloquently put all the feelings there where all I got was a jumbled mess when I tried. You will win this battle, simply because you are at peace with the idea of getting help. And I ,for one , am going to be in your corner screaming encouragement for you every step of the way. Everyone says how hard it is to live with someone with these problems and I know that's true- it's even harder to live in this shell and not be able to convey your feelings and you just feel so very alone. Make no mistake- it is your battle but you are by no means alone. I simply can't wait(please don't take that wrong) to read the rest of your entries. I am crazy, depressed and so very anxious but for the first time in a LONG time I do not feel alone. You are a true friend and I wish only the best for you. Please know I will be praying for you and your wonderful family every step on your journey. God Bless You Jack and thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing.
Jack, I am so proud of you & your journey. Mental illness is never given its dues...whether a chemical imbalance or hormone fluctuation is the root, it is an illness as serious as a heart condition, diabetes or other bodily "diseases" that require a strict medication regiment & check ups. Everyone in my mom's family lacked all the chemicals made internally and took medication to supplement what was lacked and now as a clinical mental health/behavioral therapist I see what damage it can do if untreated. Thank you for loving yourself & your family enough to step out of the rat race and seek treatment. Lisa Barry Fuller
ReplyDeleteJack,
ReplyDeleteWe don't really know each other, but I wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your family. Your children are precious to me. God bless you. I am praying for healing and peace for you and the family.
Michelle Stearns
AUMC
Dear Jack, I have not seen you in many years, but I have recently read about you on Bill's FB page. I am sorry to hear of your troubles, but I am glad you are not only doing something about it, but sharing your journey with others. It is a very courageous thing to do, and I applaud you for it. I have a very good friend who has her battles with depression, and it is not an even fight. I wish you and your family all the best as you seek healing. My thoughts and prayers go with you.
ReplyDeleteJack - I'm highly unqualified to comment here, but I'll just try to share some music that touched me upon reading your stories. Maybe it will bring some comfort to you, your sweet family and others who see it.
ReplyDeletePeace to you. Peace.
Tim C.
God of Our Yesterdays - Matt Redman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsixiGHyDlc
When we were in the darkest night
And wondered if our eyes would ever see the light
You were there, Lord
When we were in the stormy gale
And wondered if we'd ever live in peace again
You were there, Lord
You were there in the struggle
You were there in the fight
You were there all the time
We praise You - the God of our yesterdays
We praise You - the God who is here today
We praise You - our God as tomorrow comes
So whatever lies ahead
Whatever roads our grateful hearts will come to tread
You'll be there, Lord
We will fix our eyes on You
And know that there is grace enough to see us through
You'll be there, Lord
You'll be there in the struggle
You'll be there in the fight
You'll be there all the time
We praise You - the God of our yesterdays
We praise You - the God who is here today
We praise You - our God as tomorrow comes
We thank you - for grace in our yesterdays
We thank you - for peace in our hearts
We thank you - our joy, as tomorrow comes
We will trust you, God
You're always closer than we know
Always more involved and in control
We will trust our lives to You -
The One who was and is and is to come
Jack,
ReplyDeleteThis wicked stealer of our joy can be overcome, my friend. As one who walks in that valley and fights that battle, there is a better time waiting for you.
You are looking for help in all the right places. Keep your focus on Him and He will help you to overcome this. I am living proof of His victory. You and B will be in my prayers.
Your BW and children will your driving force. I wish you strength, focus and Godspeed.
Thank you Tim. Awesome stuff.
ReplyDeleteThanks Denise. Will keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lisa. Great info. Jack
ReplyDeleteMichelle,
ReplyDeleteBe sure to say hello at church soon. Thank you.
Jack,
ReplyDeleteYou Will Win.
I am praying for you and your family; praying for peace in the days that lie ahead.
Your struggle is brave and noble. You are surrounded by a community of believers that are lifting you up and encouraging you in this journey.
Know we are here.
Grace and Peace,
Meredyth Earnest
The devil rejoices in your misery. Lord, please break this evil bond so he can celebrate life in your name. Amen
ReplyDeleteGod speed Jack, and War Eagle.
ReplyDeleteOur great and powerful God, JEHOVAH-SABAOTH, will be your protector. His mercy and His grace are free to us as believers. The Lord our healer, JEHOVAH-RAPHA, brings healing.
I lift my prayers for you, and your family. Our God will use you, and this battle with Satan, for His eternal glory.
God bless and keep you during your fight. I love you brother.
Jack I worked for you at one time and you were so very kind to me when I lost my mom. I can so relate to all of this, and have so for many many years with no one to talk to about that would understand. I just keep going through the motions of living myself, trying to tell myself of the blessings that I do have. I hope and pray you find healing. You are a special person Jack.
ReplyDeleteJack,
ReplyDeleteYou and your family will remain in my prayers. I had no idea of your struggle, but am thankful that you have sought help. That you are sharing your struggle with others through this blog takes a great deal of courage, and I'm exceedingly proud of you for your willingness to write about what you're going through. You're a very talented writer and writers need to write. I am certain it will help others and encourage more to take your same path toward healing. May God strengthen you, give you an inner peace that lasts and comfort you as you work your way through this.
Your friend,
Jim Rainey
Hey buddy. Long time no chat... I am praying for you and your family. I read some of your blog and you spoke of your confidence at times. You have always had great confidence !!. I remember us in high school when we played basketball in your back yard and at LSC. I always thought how incredible you were in basketball and the confidence you portrayed when we played together. We had so many fun days kicking it in Eufaula. Stay strong my friend. I am there for you if you ever need anything. Just let me know.....
ReplyDeleteYour Friend,
August Rauchle
Jack,
ReplyDeleteI have just learned today of your blogspot through a post on facebook - which i do very little of. Please know that as you walk this journey - Jesus walks with you my friend - you are not alone - as Jesus walked to Jerusalem He was not alone - his journey contained suffering and confusion as does yours today - lean into him as he leaned into his father - i pray for you and your precious family today and many days to come.
God's Peace,
Eleanor Reeves
I came to your blog because a Facebook friend shared it asking for prayers for you. Even though I don't know you personally, I feel a connection from reading about your fight. I too have suffered with mental illness for years and know what a constant battle it is to keep fighting. I'll be praying for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story. Know you are not alone.
ReplyDeletei wanted to reach out and just tell you how much your story has touched me and stacy. over the years i have often looked back at the way you and august were friendly to me when i first got to eufuala. unfortunately i went down my own path of destruction and drifted away from you guys. nonetheless, i've always admired you. i was really excited when i saw you in AU a few years ago and we got to catch up for a few minutes. you have a beautiful family.
ReplyDeletestacy and i are praying for you. you have always been, and still are an amazing and inspiring person.
- greg
oops... greg hazlett
ReplyDeleteJack,
ReplyDeleteJust saw this last night, in the middle of the night as I scrolled through FB during my baby Jack's nighttime bottle. I read your posts and had no idea. You have been on my mind since. Many prayers for you and your family. God is good and he is good all the time. Just like in the "Footprints" poem, there may only be one set of footprints in the sand for a while because God will certainly carry you through. Thinking of you all.
Love in Christ,
Kristy Nolan Hays
Jack, praying for you and your family as you journey to healing. God is faithful to see you through your darkest moments and will give you the strength, courage and grace you need along the way. Keep trusting Him :) Wayne and I will be keeping you all in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteJack, I've never read anyone write about depression in such a graceful and peaceful way as you. My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteMurray
Jack,
ReplyDeleteJust read Cathy Taylor's letter to you on fb and needless to say was shocked and saddened to hear you are suffering so much. We might never know what someone is going through in their life. I remember you and your family from the newspaper and church in Eufaula. You have such a strong family and faith and a huge family of friends that are praying for you and pulling you out of this illness and I am one of them. All the best to you and Barclay and your children. God Speed!
Maxine LeFever
Stay strong, buddy.
ReplyDeleteI found you site here through a Facebook friend. I used to work for you in Eufaula. I'm sure you remember some of the tough times I had. Not just individually, but with my now ex-wife. I'm at a loss right now to write much. That's rare. But I will sincerely keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteDear Sweet Jack,
ReplyDeleteSo often I think of my college days and what a lost little soul I was. Almost every single memory I have at BSC seems so faded and fictional except for the vibrantly colorful memories I have of you and Adam. I know why, too: I can never flash back to those memories without laughing!
I was so stressed about not knowing what to want to be when I "grew up." I would some how end up with you and Adam and all I can remember after that was the laughing and the true companionship every traveler needs on a long journey.
Do you remember when I flaunted my street smarts that one time by heading from Birmingham towards Eufaula oblivious to the impending1990 flood? Brilliant. I didn't even know to be scared. I heard a horn, looked to my left, and saw you and Adam making goofy faces at me in the adjacent lane. Since it was 1990, and my feminist English prof wasn't within earshot, I happily took you two up on your offer to travel the rest of the way home with me and to even drive my car.
Right outside of town, the roads became impassable. Also, we didn't have cell phones, remember? We sent me up to a house in the dark so that maybe the occupants wouldn't be afraid to open the door. Then, we used their phone to call my dad. Since he told us how to get to a friend's house while he came to rescue us via back roads, you and Adam had some time to kill.
None of us who have made it to 42 have done so without some dark days. But, one of us on the dark days can close her eyes and replay an image of 2 frat boys shooting hoops in the dark, in a flood, because, why not?
I will never forget that or repay it. The irony is that you have been the source of joy for so many of us. It is my prayer tonight that you feel all the joy we are sending you right back. I would never pick this place for you, Sweet Friend. But through yours and Barclay's courage, it seems you may once again be lighting a way out of the darkness for some of your fellow pilgrims.
Much love,
Shanda
Jack,
ReplyDeleteGod's blessings of hope for you and your family. My grandmother kept the serenity prayer posted for many years. It can set you free from daily struggles. I'll be praying for you. Keep writing and tell your brother hello from Jville.
TD
Jack Smith, I love you Jack. You are just great and I miss having you in my day to day life. Pls know that I could tell at Betsy's funeral that you were struggling in some way. I did not reach out to you except in my private own way - to give you an extra big hug.
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you for so many reasons, your ongoing courageous battle not the least of these. Patrick and I will be saying a nightly prayer for a strong recovery for you. I will also pray for your doctors to be on their game in every way.
Your writing is moving. I know you are making a difference. Technology is so amazing. And to think, I said computers would never make it. That is why I may be the only American woman not on Facebook. I wish I had been more plugged into what you have been dealing with.
I would love it if you and Barclay could come visit us in the near future. I will be in touch on this score. It has been too long.
Jack Smith, I love you Jack. You are just great and I miss having you in my day to day life. Pls know that I could tell at Betsy's funeral that you were struggling in some way. I did not reach out to you except in my private own way - to give you an extra big hug.
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you for so many reasons, your ongoing courageous battle not the least of these. Patrick and I will be saying a nightly prayer for a strong recovery for you. I will also pray for your doctors to be on their game in every way.
Your writing is moving. I know you are making a difference. Technology is so amazing. And to think, I said computers would never make it. That is why I may be the only American woman not on Facebook. I wish I had been more plugged into what you have been dealing with.
I would love it if you and Barclay could come visit us in the near future. I will be in touch on this score. It has been too long.