Today I feel empty. Empty
and listless. I wouldn’t even use the word frustrated, because being frustrated
implies feeling something. I wish I had the energy or the desire to care enough
to be frustrated or, heck, even angry. Being angry would be more purposeful
than feeling like I just don’t care anymore.
Maybe it’s the new meds.
Just a few days ago, I felt ever so slightly more hopeful. The doctor changed my meds again
since my last blog. I know the antidepressant hasn’t had time to do its thing,
so my guess is a placebo effect made me feel a little better for a
brief time.
I am so uninterested in life outside my family right now that it’s extremely difficult to stay focused or be motivated at
work.
My therapist and I had a
good session yesterday, but that positive energy I felt after leaving her
office has all but vanished. It’s been sapped by this dreadful disease once
again.
She encouraged me to think
about things I’m grateful for each day, especially when I’m reeling at work.
She told me to literally write down even the smallest achievements so I feel
some sense of accomplishment. It isn’t working so far, maybe because I haven’t
done it enough yet.
My anxiety is so severe at
times it borders on paranoia. My self-confidence is so shaken that simple tasks
seem overwhelming. My fear of mistakes is so paralyzing that I want to just
crawl in a foxhole and do nothing. Only that’s not a viable option for a
career…at least not for long.
So here goes. I will
celebrate one little victory that on the surface seems quite pathetic. I had to
craft an email yesterday for an important group of stakeholders. My fear of
making a mistake, perhaps a typo, was so great that I put it off all day. Then
I finally got the courage to draft it, prayed over it and hit the send button.
How ridiculous is that?
My therapist doesn’t think
it’s ridiculous. She said following through and doing it despite my anxiety was
actually “courageous.” Only I don’t exactly feel like Braveheart. I feel puny.
That’s what warped negative
thinking does to us over time. We are working on my negative thought patterns,
but they are so engrained it almost feels like a hopeless effort.
I will keep trying. I will
think of a STOP sign every time the negative thoughts start.
What other choice do I have?
I agree with your therapist - you are courageous. Feeling fear and moving forward anyhow is the very definition of bravery.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteThanks for the comment and for visiting the blog.
your therapist is a wanker, who is laughing their ass off all the way to the bank
DeleteJack, last year I hit rock bottom. Because of open honest blogs, including yours, I was able to seek help with medication and get my severe depression to a place that is manageable. When I feel myself slipping I turn to your blog (and a few others) to remind me that I am not alone. YOU ARE courageous and sharing your experiences are making an impact on other people suffering in silence.
ReplyDeleteThank you and hang in there!
Thank you for offering your perspective, which gives me hope.
DeleteI really like the idea of the stop sign. I'm looking at the things I do to ward off the blues. What works, what doesn't and what needs tweaking. I'm going to pinch your idea if you don't mind.
ReplyDeleteEven though you feel crap you'r still sharing good ideas. Onwards and upwards :-)
Spanner,
DeleteTry it out and let me know how it works. Thanks for visiting.
I agree with all the above comments! To get on here and blog about it is an achievement in itself.
ReplyDeleteJ-M,
DeleteThanks for the encouragement. It means a lot.
The "numbness" is the worst! It not only makes you just feel off or wrong, it makes the anxiety worse, but you just don't care about it. It's just a very weird thing, and it's overwhelming, which you wouldn't think it would be given you're numb. It's really one of the hardest things from me to deal with. I get it sometimes with med increases or other issues. Just know that it will pass.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you sent the e-mail, even with all the anxiety is a HUGE deal. You weren't sure if you could do it. Your brain was telling you you couldn't do it. Still, you did it. You should your brain it was wrong. You stood up to the anxiety and you did it. That's ALWAYS a win.
The fact that you can acknowledge and understand this "numb" mood is also a huge deal. Often, we don't even realize these things are going on. If we don't realize it, we can't deal with it or prevent it. Now that you are able to recognize it, you can see it for what it is and deal with it accordingly, whatever that might mean for you as it's different for everyone. So, yes, even just recognizing the "numbness" is HUGE!
Numb....Great word to describe it, Kat. Thanks for stopping by and offering great comments.
DeleteDear friend...like you I have terrible bouts of depression and anxiety, i'm in a rut right now, I'm not sure if I can give you any healthy advice, thought of ending it all many times but here I am dragging myself around. Consider yourself lucky you can work. I'm unemployed at the moment and the thought of going out there again is nothing but paralysing...I have social phobia as well. I wish you all the best....keep in touch.
ReplyDeleteBy the way been on effexor, cymbalta, luvox, prozac, tolvon...now on avanza...at least I'm sleeping o.k.
I can relate to the social anxiety as well. Wish you the best as well...sounds like you're persevering through some rough waters.
Deleteget off the poison it fucks you up i was on that rubbish for years it turned me into a mindless emotionless zombie
DeleteI don't think it's ridiculous at all. Sometimes my apathy becomes so great and so paralyzing that I don't even feel anxiety.
ReplyDeleteJojesek,
DeleteThanks for the comments. I can relate. Terrible Catch 22....hard to choose which is worse....apathy or anxiety!
Thank you for sharing your story. It is important that we don't let the negative thought overwhelm and control us. I know that it can be difficult dealing with depression. A great site that helps me cope with my depression symptoms is http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-dy. I hope this is helpful for you and others reading this.
ReplyDeleteI know very well how you feel. It's good you sent the email though. You could have avoided it all together, but you didn't. In my Recovery Inc. group we say "Endorse for effort, not the outcome." Meaning no matter what you do and no matter the outcome, you put forth the effort, which is commendable. Especially when it comes to depression. On our worst days it's preferable to just stay buried under the covers and hide from the world, but getting out of bed, bathing, getting dressed, eating, and going about the day is a tremendous effort. If everyone else around us had depression then they would have to push just as hard to get through the bad days.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry. Better ones will come. Thank you for this blog and for sharing your experiences. That's also a big undertaking.
During my bouts of depression, I’ll start by withdrawing from the world, then stay isolated in my room, curtains closed, doors locked, phone off the hook and mostly in bed.
ReplyDeleteAfter a number of days, sometimes maybe a week or more, I gradually emerge on the other side as my mood lightens for no apparent reason. I tell you, it’s one bastard of a ride and I wish it on no one. I'm sure you feel the same.
Hello Jack,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Leigh. First thank you for sharing your life with us. Your exceptional blog deals with depression awareness and I know you are familiar with the importance of mental health. It is for these reasons that I contact you today.
I am ‘every woman’, the girl next door and the one you never would have suspected, however, for years I have been struggling with depression. I have written a book about my experiences entitled “The Blue Veil”.
Through this book, it is my aim to reduce the stigma of depression by increasing awareness of the issue. I am donating a large percentage of the proceeds to 15 carefully chosen mental health awareness organizations worldwide. I have provided the list of these organizations at the end of this email.
This is where you come in. I am organizing a 2 month long online book release campaign, structured around various depression awareness weeks around the world. It will be from July 1st to August 31st. My request is, during this period of time would you be willing to host me on your blog for a few days of those months? This can be carried out in a few ways:
-I would send you a couple/few articles that talk about my book and of course depression awareness. You would post these articles on your blog over a few days during those months (letting me know which days you will choose)
OR
-You could write your own prose about “The Blue Veil” and depression awareness and post these articles on your blog over the course of the months (letting me know which days you will choose).
Now you may be wondering what is in this for you and your blog? Well, I could provide you with a free version of “The Blue Veil”. You could also review the depression awareness organizations, which I will send to you, to see if there is one you would like to be included and I will certainly look into it.
More on “The Blue Veil”:
Up to 58 MILLION suffer from it in the US alone, and VERY FEW talk about it. Is it your friend, colleague or neighbor? Now, finally, ‘The Blue Veil’ brings a modern, raw account of depression. Read it and understand your loved ones better. Be assured that no one is alone.
``Leigh has everything going for her when the unthinkable happens. She loses control of her own emotions and everything in her life begins to slip away. With a marriage strained to the brink, the loss of her father, fertility issues and the loss of her job, will Leigh be able to move beyond The Blue Veil and take back control of her future?``
Thanks so much for your consideration and efforts. I understand that you are busy, so I wanted to express my sincere gratitude. It is with great respect for you and your blog that I write this email and it would mean so much to me to have your readers aware of my efforts.
Please do not hesitate to contact me at any time if you have any questions regarding my request.
Sincerely yours,
Leigh Turgeon
email: leighturgeon@gmail.com
Twitter: @leighslead
The Blue Veil Blog http://behindtheblueveil.blogspot.ca/
FB Page The Blue Veil https://www.facebook.com/TheBlueVeil
FB Page Leigh Turgeon https://www.facebook.com/LeighTurgeon
1-613-794-4657