January 31, 2014

Life inside an anxious mind

It’s just a meeting and it’s a week away. It’s not real hard. There’s no reason to be anxious.

What if everybody hates my idea? I know Fred won’t like my idea. He never likes my ideas. He’ll probably say something ugly, which will make me mad. We’ll get into an argument. I hope I don’t lose my cool when we start arguing. He always says something that sticks in my craw. I already know what he’ll say. I might as well get ready for it. What am I going to say back? I better think of something fast.

Barclay looks tired.

I would ask her what’s wrong but I’m not sure I want to know the answer. I know it was something I did or didn’t do. What did I forget to do? What did I do that made her mad? She’s probably mad because I haven’t told her I loved her in a while. I bet she’s mad because I haven’t helped around the house, either. I know she’s upset because I can’t concentrate on the kids when I’m around them lately. She’s going to say something to me if I don’t say something to her first. But if I say something to her first, she’s going to get mad at whatever I say and we’re going to get in a fight. I’m not saying anything.

My son’s basketball coach just yelled at him. I’m not going to let that bother me. It’s part of growing up and learning from adversity.

I can’t believe that idiot yelled at my son. He doesn’t even know anything about basketball. I’ve forgotten more about basketball than he ever knew. I’m going to say something after the game. Not sure what I’m going to say, but I’m going to say something. He’s going to get mad, but I don’t care. If he shoves me, I’m not sure I can turn my cheek. I might shove him back. Then he might come after me. When he does, I’ll either get somebody to help me or I’ll run to the car. I’ll have to go to the city and tell them he can’t be a coach another day. I’m going to get banned from the gym but I don’t care because we aren’t playing for this jackass anymore.

There’s dog hair all over my clean socks again. I’ll let it go this time, even though this dogs sheds faster than a stripper in Vegas.

I can’t let this go. I’m sick of having dog hair all over the house and all over my stuff. Why can’t we just have an outside dog? I swear my wife likes the dog more than she likes me. I’m going to build a kennel outside so the dog can spend more time where she belongs. My wife’s not going to like it. I don’t care anymore. I’m tired of it. We’ll probably get in an argument and she’ll point out I never clean anything anyway. I don’t think I’ll say anything.

We’re doing bench press at Crossfit today. Maybe I’ll get a new personal record.

Oh no. We’re doing bench press at Crossfit today. This is my worst exercise. There are girls here who can lift more than I do. No way I’m going for a personal record. It will be humiliating when I try. What if the bar gets stuck on my chest? I can’t ask for a spot because everyone will see how little weight I use. I’ll never look like those other guys that for some reason take their shirts off all the time, even when they aren’t even changing clothes. Why do they do that? Maybe I’m secretly jealous because there is no way in hell I’m taking my shirt off. I think I’ll just skip Crossfit today.

I’m going to write a blog about what it’s like to live in my head.

No way I can write about what it’s like to live inside my head. People will think I’m a lunatic. Mom will probably call. Is this normal? Other people sure don’t look like they have paralyzing anxiety. They look calm and confident. They look like they aren’t thinking about anything but what they’re doing right now. Must be nice.

Surely somebody can relate. Or maybe they can’t. I can’t write about life inside an anxious mind because it’s too hard to explain. Maybe it doesn’t matter. People already know I’m a bipolar alcoholic with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And that I have the shakes. I don’t even know why I write this blog. Am I embarrassing my family and myself? I think I’ll quit doing it.

What if I ever have to apply for a new job? I’m screwed when that happens. All they have to do is Google my name and they won’t even take my call. They might change their number. I wonder how long until I have to apply for a new job? Maybe I need to get my resume together. Damn. That’s going to take forever because I never wrote down when I started a new job or what I did at my old jobs. Does anybody even have that information? If I get it wrong they’ll think I lied on my resume, and then nobody will hire me. I better sit down and pray right now I never have to get another job. That's going to be a nightmare.