January 25, 2012

The sun is shining after days of dark skies

Last week I slipped back into a pretty serious episode of depression and anxiety. And I don't know why.

I'd been taking my meds and staying fairly active, at least getting on a treadmill for 30 minutes a couple times a week. Not intense exercise, but at least I was doing something.

This week, lo and behold, I feel much better. Could it be the sunshine after days of dreary skies brightened my mood? Or my intentional effort to eat better? Praying for relief more fervently? Going for a sweat-inducing run on an unseasonably warm afternoon yesterday? The long-awaited debut of "American Idol"?

I'm not certain, but it's probably all of the above. 

One frustrating aspect of depression is it's easier to deconstruct good days than bad days. Let me explain. I just laid out a bunch of reasons that probably explain why I feel better this week. Only I have no idea how I got to that bad, dark place last week. Did irrational anxiety about things I can't control start me down the slippery slope to depression? Was it the new drug I was taking as a replacement for Valium, which I usually take as needed when my anxiety gets really bad? Was it those ghastly gray skies, day after day?

I don't know for sure, and neither does my therapist. She flipped back through her records during our bi-weekly session today and noticed that two weeks ago I reported feeling flat. Walking me through last week, we figured out one difficult and stressful task at work—in which I had no clue what I was doing but was too ashamed to admit I was confused and needed help—may have been the final shove toward despair and depression.

So what did I learn from this experience? My psychiatrist took me off that new drug that just made me miserably drowsy. (I'm back to Valium as needed). My therapist coached me to be more self-aware and to look for "cues" that I'm slipping, because if you know you're slipping, it's easier to stop the slide.

A cue might be "all or nothing," irrational thinking, i.e., "I stink at this project and I'm going to lose my job." Had I stopped those inevitable racing thoughts, I could have just slowed down and asked for help.

Only that's not easy for me to do. My sagging self-confidence, which I wrote about in my last blog, sometimes leads me to believe that I can't make mistakes. My ruminating mind tricks me into believing that if I ask for help, I'll come across looking like a dope. How messed up is that?

I feel pretty good today. The sun is still shining and I'm able to focus better. And I know winter, the hardest time for me every year, is one day closer to turning into that hopeful time of spring, when the days are longer and less depressing.

Tomorrow, I leave for a three-day spiritual retreat. I won't get into the details just yet, but it's 72 hours without cell phones, emails or even watches. I look forward to sharing about that experience when I get back—and hopefully how it changed me for the better.


  1. I have the same problem. I just went through days of really severe depression when before I had been doing much better. I seem to experience the same thing periodically, and I can't figure out exactly what makes me soooo depressed again, and why it keeps coming back. It's so frustrating and upsetting. I'm glad you're feeling better now.

  2. The on and off again thing with meds can be a real issue. Maybe the reason that good days are easier to deconstruct is because they're harder to come by and therefore easier to catch/analyze? What drug did the therapist take you off of? Have you heard of Viibryd? There's a pretty good description on http://www.bad-drug.net/viibryd-vilazodone. Hope your retreat went well.

  3. John,
    I was taken off Cymbalta. I have heard of Viibryd but don't know much about it. Thanks for the comment.

  4. Dear John, I have just been reading about Viibryd and watching a YouTube presentation from someone else. It is a very bad drug. And side affects of being on it and getting off it are extremely bad. I ended up with increased blood pressure, then ringing in my ears(tinnitus). I pray that it will go away. I am getting off the Viibryd ASAP. Hope this helps. Cymbalta is in the same category and just as bad! Please be careful.

  5. Yes! I totally agree with you, I quote,"The sun is shining after days of dark skies!" Well, being optimistic in life is surely give you the positive outlook in life, it gives you the motivation to move on and start for a brand new life. Believing that someday your frustrations, depression and failures will gone makes one person so firm to face the life a heading for him. Hope for the success of your retreat.

  6. I totally agree "The sun is shining after days of dark skies!” same thing with “There will always be sunshine after the rain ". Just always stay positive; never stop believing that everything will be alright.

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